Illustrated Guide to the Best Quiche Ever

Remember the book that came out in the early eighties called Real Men Don't Eat Quiche? I was 12 when it came out- and at the time I didn't know what quiche was. Nor did I know about caramelized onions. I was probably on the indifferent side of bacon and swiss cheese too. Thankfully, those days have passed. I'm all growed up now- and I think I pass the Real Man Test. I like shootin' guns and fishin', I pray with my wife, and I, uh, make the best quiche you've ever eaten. A paradox? No, my friends, not hardly. Make this quiche and see if you don't want to go buy a muscle car immediately. Plus, did I mention it has bacon?

Step one: Fry bacon in little bite sized squares. How much bacon? Depends on how manly you are. This was a little under half a pack for one quiche. Fry it till it's crispy delicious.

Next, take out your favorite knife (mine is the Shun chef's knife seen here). Notice on the clock behind me that we got started waaay late on this little project.

Cut up one largeish sweet onion into a nice medium dice. I'll be posting a video how-to lesson for dicing an onion sometime soon, because it just makes life so much better.

So as not to waste the "bacon renderings" we'll be caramelizing the onions in it. You could use butter or olive oil, if you're a sissy. Start it off on medium or so heat just to get some of the moisture out of the onions. Once they've become translucent turn the heat down to low, and give the onions a stir every five minutes or so. Throw a pinch o' kosher salt in too.
When the onions have become a caramel/mahogany color it means the sugars have reached their peak flavor. This means delicious factor redline. Preheat your oven to 350.

Now take two eggs a pinch of salt, and a cup of heavy cream and make them one. It's a commonly known fact that heavy cream and bacon grease cancel each other out. Or something like that. The mixture, as all fans of Good Eats know, is called a "Royale." You can put a quarter teaspoon of nutmeg in the royale if you choose (and aren't you always looking for something to add a little nutmeg to?). Grate about a cup of cheese- I used swiss- and put it in your pie crust. I used a frozen crust- the only one in the store that was made with lard. add your onions and bacon, and anything else you want to put in this bad boy. To make ours healthy I added about a quarter cup of spinach. I'm sure that balances out all that fat. Plus, the green adds a nice color to the many shades of yellow and red I had so far. Add the royale. Then, once all your ingredients are in, add a little more cheese to the top. You know, for color. It'll brown up nicely. This is what it'll look like before the oven gets it:
45 long minutes later and it's out of the oven. Then begins the longest 15 minutes of your life because it has to rest. Then you get this guy:


You can go ahead and try not to mangle the first slice, I wasn't successful this time. Not that it mattered, because I ate the first slice in about ten seconds.

We were able to save two slices for breakfast this morning. Give it a try, and let me know how it goes. I'm not responsible if you grow any chest hair though. This quiche is that manly.